Reflex
by weirdprince
Summary: "Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't so big." / Goodbye is a word Miles hates to submit to.
_**Reflex**_

"When do you leave?"

The question coaxed Miles from the edge of sleep and his mouth creased into a frown. He twisted over his shoulder to meet Julian's eyes but was met with only the stern line of his profile; the doctor was staring with an almost harsh intensity at the ceiling, like it had said something offensive.

It took Miles several sluggish moments to register Julian's question, even longer to try and think of what might have prompted it. He didn't have an answer to either of those questions so he could only answer with another. "What?"

"When do you leave?" Julian repeated, his tone carefully light and flippant, like the answer wasn't important at all, like he was simply making small talk. But Miles had seven years of practice in reading Julian and he knew that the commas in the corners of Julian's eyes from squinting them so sharply and the tight lines of Julian's lips wrote irritation and anger and maybe a touch of fear on his face.

Miles rolled to lie flat on his back, laced his fingers over his stomach and also studied the ceiling but with more civil interest. For a long time neither of them spoke and it was so quiet that Miles could hear Julian's teeth grinding together.

"You'll grind them flat if you keep doing that." The words were out before Miles could think to stop them. Teasing Julian was as much a reflex as excusing himself when he sneezed.

The sound Julian made was something between a snort and a scoff, a noise unbecoming of a Starfleet officer in such high standing, and Miles might have said as much and teased him further under different circumstances.

"So that's what you're going to do, then?" Julian blurted, hands rising off of his chest to gesture to the empty air with useless exasperation before they dropped like heavy stones back to his sides. "Just ignore my question? Like time is just going to stand still and I won't need to worry about it?"

Miles wanted to look at Julian to see what his face did when he was this worked up - it was a rare thing, Julian prided himself on keeping such a level head. Doctors needed to be calm in highly stressful situations, after all, which Julian reminded him on a regular basis. But Miles didn't look away from the ceiling. He found that he couldn't.

"How did you know?" The question cracked on its way through Miles throat, desperate the fall apart, but he caught it, cleared it, and blinked his eyes. They stung.

Miles didn't see Julian roll his eyes but he could sense them disappearing into Julian's skull. "Oh, please, Miles. Even if I didn't see your wife literally every day I would be able to tell that something was wrong."

It was the pounding in his head that told Miles he was holding his breath. He let it out in one long rush before he spoke again. "She told you? I asked her not to."

"No. She didn't tell me." Julian sighed. His arms locked across his chest. "Molly did."

Miles eyes closed. "Not too good at keeping secrets, is she?"

"Awful." Finally, Julian pried his gaze from the ceiling to stare at Miles' profile. "Why would you keep a secret like this from me? Why wouldn't you tell me?" He abruptly shifted up onto his elbow and leaned over and close to Miles - the sudden movement made Miles' eyes open but the ceiling was still his focus, flat and grey.

This conversation was inevitable. Miles knew that. He had envisioned it a thousand times, had even rehearsed it with Keiko once. Foolishly, Miles had thought himself prepared when the time came, but he hadn't expected it to come so soon.

"When do you leave?" Julian prompted for the third time, this time with such strain it was impossible for Miles to lie still a second longer. Julian's wounded eyes were too much for Miles to hold so he wrapped an arm around Julian's neck and pulled him against his chest so he wouldn't have to see the depth of the pain he was causing. Julian tightened around Miles' torso, ear to his heart, trembling only a little, and Miles' hand spread in the middle of Julian's back and trailed the length of his spine, up and down, like he had so many times, another reflex.

"I wasn't trying to keep secrets from you. We only made the decision a few weeks ago." Miles's hand came to the back of Julian's neck, threaded into his hair, massaged his scalp. Usually this made Julian melt like wax against him but this time Julian remained as taut as a wire. "I was just trying to figure out how to tell you."

Julian scoffed. "You're as bad as keeping secrets as Molly. It's written all over your face every time you look at me." He raised his head, chin balanced on Miles' sternum. A single finger traced absent circles on Miles' skin. "I didn't want to believe it, though, even after Molly said she was going back to Earth for school. Keiko was talking to Kira and hadn't noticed but I kept staring at her like she'd know, somehow, that I knew, and then she'd brush it off and say that Molly was confused." Julian searched for Miles' eyes but Miles was looking at the wall now, the window, anything else, anything that wasn't Julian's brown eyes. "But then you came here in the middle of the night and didn't say a word. Just kissed me like you do when you don't want to talk about something important. Took me to bed. Got on top of me -"

"I was there, you know. I don't need the details."

" - and shagged me like you were saying goodbye."

Miles detangled his hand from Julian's hair and cupped the back of his neck instead. Miles still didn't look at him. "That doesn't even make sense," Miles said, squinting at the ceiling. "Shagging like I was saying goodbye. What's that? Shakespeare?"

"Oh, god, Miles." Julian laughed - strained but genuine. He tilted his head down and kissed the skin over Miles' pounding heart. Miles did glance at him, quickly, just for a second, to see Julian's long eyelashes flutter when he did it, but as soon as the doctor raised his head Miles was turned away again. "You're the worst. I'm trying to be ... poetic."

"This is painful enough, thanks." Miles said out of the corner of his mouth. His tongue tasted bitter.

Julian was quiet for a beat. "You're right. It is." He took a deep breath and Miles could feel the length of Julian's torso expanding alongside his own. "You know I'd never even think to ask you to choose between me or Keiko."

Miles nodded. It had never been that kind of relationship; Julian had never been a dirty hidden secret. Keiko knew about Julian just as Miles knew about Kira. Monogamy was never a virtue to Miles or Keiko but love and happiness were. Miles didn't love one more than the other; he loved them both, period. Just as Keiko loved him and Kira. Jealousy didn't touch their lives; instead, they were rich in communication and honesty and more than enough love among the four of them.

For a moment, when the pain swelled to such a point that Miles feared he might snap, Miles almost, almost wished he did love Keiko more than Julian, that there was some kind of outdated hierarchy in place. At least then the choice would be obvious. At least then he wouldn't have to feel like he was leaving a part of himself behind on Deep Space Nine.

But the love was of the same vein. It ran as deeply and as strongly and mostly it filled him with joy that transcended description, but now it was a terrible ache in his chest that no doctor, not even Julian, could ease. Keiko had said something to him the other day, after Nerys left in a rush the morning of with puffy eyes and a broken smile, too upset to have breakfast together. Keiko sat down across from Miles at the table and reached for his hands, and when his filled hers she said, "Sometimes I wish my heart wasn't so big."

Miles nodded again, like Keiko was there, like the moment was happening once more.

"I'm choosing the kids." Miles counted the vertebrae of Julian's spine with his fingertips all the way to Julian's neck. "Molly has spent her whole life on the Enterprise and Deep Space Nine. She's known nothing but danger and war. And when we almost lost her -" Miles' chest tightened, and Julian turned his head up to shush his lips against Miles' right ear, hand rubbing along Miles' side until the panic the memory summoned loosened and let go. "I won't put her through it anymore, and I won't put Yoshi through it, either. They're the only ones I love more than you and Keiko."

"You're a good father." Julian whispered. "And Keiko is a good mother. You're doing the right thing."

Miles laughed, or made some sort of tortured sound that might have been considered such a thing. "Then why are you crying, Doctor?"

"You're also crying, Chief."

"Well. You got me there."

Julian turned his head into Miles' neck, wedged his foot between Miles' ankles, arm tight across his chest - if Miles wasn't trying very hard to keep his lower lip from trembling, he might have teased Julian for clinging like Miles would shoot out into space if Julian released him.

Was that far from the truth, anyway?

"When do you leave?" Julian asked, again, pulled out of Miles' neck to search for his eyes but Miles still refused to look at anything but the lifeless walls.

"I'm going to be a professor, believe it or not. Professor of Engineering at Starfleet Academy. Sounds proper, doesn't it?"

"Miles-"

"And Keiko is hoping to get a position in the botany department. She really did love teaching here on the station and I think she'd be really good at it. We haven't decided where we'll settle yet. My dad, of course, would give up his left thumb for us to come back to Ireland, but -"

"Miles." Julian caught the chief's head between his hands and enveloped his sight, forced him to finally look at him, and when Miles did he realized that all of the people he loved most - Molly and Yoshi, Keiko and Julian - all had brown eyes.

Julian's eyes begged him to answer the question. Julian's eyes cried, and Miles couldn't bear it.

Pushing Julian aside, Miles sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed like he was determined to leave but when his feet touched the floor he froze. He looked across Julian's quarters to the window on the other side, at the spectacular spray of stars on the blanket of space, and he sighed something weary and heavy and too old for a man his age.

"I love this station." Miles swallowed hard and rested his elbows on his knees, fingers splayed across the sides of his face and threading into the tight curls of his hair. "I've reprogrammed every inch of her. I've had my hands on every replicator, every transporter pad, every turbolift, every holosuite. I have her memorized from the inside out, even more than I did the Enterprise. And the whole lot of you have wormed your way in; Nerys, Sisko, Worf, Dax, Odo. Even Quark. I … I like Quark. I'm going to miss that big eared little troll."

"I'll be sure to tell him your true feelings." It was Julian's turn to put his hands on Miles' back, palms flat against either side of his spine until they wrapped around to hold Miles across the middle. His smooth cheek rested between Miles' shoulder blades and for a long time it was quiet. If Miles closed his eyes he could feel the slight spinning of the station. He wouldn't be able to do that on Earth.

Miles took one of Julian's hands from his stomach and brought it to his mouth, kissed the side of Julian's long, delicate, doctor fingers. There were going to be a lot of things he wouldn't be able to do anymore once he was on Earth.

Julian's hand gently guided Miles back around by the cheek until they were facing each other again. This time Miles did not look at the ceiling or the walls, just Julian and his lovely brown eyes and his soft frowning mouth.

"We can make this work, you know." Julian said. His smile was more like the intention of one. "Earth isn't that far. I can take holiday. I've never been to Ireland." His smile broadened, and there was a touch of hope there, Julian's trademark optimism. Miles had hated it when they first met, had found it insufferably pretentious, but now Miles just wanted to kiss him. So he did, as easily and as naturally as any other reflex. He gathered Julian's face in his hands and pulled him close and kissed him until Julian melted, until Miles had to stop to catch his breath.

"This isn't the end, Miles." Julian panted, staring between Miles' eyes and his lips, trailing a finger along Miles' hairline, like he was desperate to memorize every inch of his face, like what he said was a lie. "Just tell me - please tell me when you're supposed to leave. I have to … be ready for that."

Miles kissed Julian again on the mouth, breathed in Julian's soft whimper when he pulled away, then kissed the doctor's cheek, his forehead, pulled him tight against his chest again and eased him back down to the bed. Julian draped the blanket over them once more and the two settled against each other in expectant silence.

When Miles finally answered the question it was in barely a whisper, like if he didn't speak the truth too loudly then he could continue to live as if it would never truly happen."There's no exact date." Miles' fingers combed through Julian's hair. "And, if we're being perfectly honest, it might not even be an issue if the Dominion has anything to say about it. But Keiko and I did decide that once the war is over, if there's anything left …" Miles looked at the window again. "We'll go."

Julian's teeth clacked together and his arm tightened over Miles' hip. "I'm a horrible person."

"Why?"

The doctor shook his head, buried his face in Miles' collarbone and when he spoke it was half lost in his skin."For half a second - a tenth of a second - I hoped that the war wouldn't end too soon. God, that's terrible. That's evil." Julian tried to retract in shame but Miles wouldn't allow it, keeping him tight and close.

"That's enough." Miles shushed. "You're not evil."

"What am I, then?"

"Smitten." Miles flexed a smile at the corner of his mouth. "With me."

Julian chuckled, chest vibrating against Miles'. "I suppose you are correct. And to think that when we met, you didn't like me. Look how far we've come, Chief."

Miles snorted. "Like I had anything to say about it. You got under my skin like a … like a virus, or something. You wouldn't leave me alone. It was either fall in love with your or shoot you out of an airlock."

"Need I remind you that it was you who showed up at my quarters with a bouquet of flowers and that it was you who kissed me for the first time, and it was you who -"

"Go to sleep, Julian."

Julian pushed himself up on the heels of his palms, balanced over Miles, and stared down at him with careful, gentle intensity. Miles wanted to squirm, wanted to look away, but he held Julian's gaze until the doctor finally smiled at him. It was both happy and sad.

"Shag me like you're saying goodbye." Julian tilted down and spoke directly against Miles' lips. "And then I'll go to sleep."

Miles grinned before slipping into a smooth and tender kiss that burned into something a little more firm and rough, with less lips and more teeth.

The war wasn't over yet.


End file.
